I often wonder

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20091218

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I often wonder




why life is so weird. i feel like i have something i want to say, but i just don't know how to say it. but i'll try:
i'm not happy with myself. i'm not the woman i expected that i would be. i'm not the woman i was created to be - i can feel it in my bones. i know within me is much strength, wisdom and freedom (in the Lord, most especially), but i'm having great difficulty embracing all of it. i had an opportunity to leave thes country this year. i was going to go to south america for six months as a missionary. i tried, i really did, with all of my heart and energy - but it just didnt work out. but now, i realize that that's what i want to be doing. i have this deep-rooted longing for adventure that is just ready to explode - and yet, i'm still here. in the same place i've always been. don't get me wrong - i love my life and the people in it and the experiences i've had/still am having, but i think i'm holding onto it too much. i feel like i'm being stretched in so many directions, that i can't even do what i want to do - what i think the Lord may be calling me to do.
in addition to all of this, i lost focus on school for a little while and struggled to catch up for the last half of the semester (thank the Lord that i still did very well). in addition to all of this, i've withdrawn myself socially and now i'm having a difficult time getting back. i need people. i can't do this alone. but the Lord is poking me and prodding me on toward great change. i'll be fine and i'm just trusting for now.
anyways, i just needed to get that off my chest somehow. i really need to start writing more. i think that would help a lot. so yeah, i'm fine. i'm just a hot mess that is a work in progress.
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I often wonder :: Comments

Post on Thu Dec 02, 2010 12:34 am by Broken Love

Well.... I don't think that God let's us in right away on exactly who we are going to be and what direction he has for our lives... Half the fun is figuring it all out right? Wink He knows what he is doing. Don't worry about life to much. Just listen to God, I can tell you are, and you'll be amazing!

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Post on Tue Dec 21, 2010 1:54 am by torchestogether!

True that! Thanks for the feedback! glad to know someone's listening!

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